Die Vater-Maschine 2.0

Due to the recent emergence of a new family member, Die Vater-Maschine has been upgraded to version 2.0. No, he hasn't become a nanomorph mimetic poly-alloy assassin, that will be 2.1, but this version includes some great improvements too.

What's new and improved in Die Vater-Maschine 2.0:

• added 60 % more infinite patience
• reduced methane emissions 21 % (actual level of emissions may vary depending on sauerkraut, beer and bean consumption)
  
• reduced addiction to alcohol 17 % (actual level of addiction may vary depending on company, time of year and level of existential angst)
  
• reduced amount of hair 37.85 % to improve aerodynamic capabilities
• reinforced back and leg skeleton to optimize functionality related to bending over and picking up things
• enhanced dexterity and strength in order to improve capabilities related to jumping through hoops, dragging sledges filled with stones and coaxing cooked spaghetti through keyholes
• enhanced voice emulator, which now supports four tones: normal, loving, silly and enraged
• reduced shame-feeling capabilities: Die Vater-Maschine is now virtually unembarrassable
• added skin greasiness for improved weather endurance
• increased wallet thickness for better family sustainment capabilities
• quad core processor allows simultaneous processing of instructions from four different sources: wife, child #1, child #2 and TV
• automatic backup functionality enables functioning even while interrupted continually (provided that interruption interval > 30 seconds)
  
• increased maturity lessens likelihood of mishaps with sawn-off shotgun
• new Man-Poodle™ software sensitivity system accommodates for better consideration of the feelings of the wife.
  

Kingdom of man

4 m². That's the surface area of the kingdom of man. (Where "man" = "the male, adult population (consisting of one (1) person) in my household".) With this humorous, yet surprisingly truthful moniker I'm referring to my storage shed. Of course, the most natural kingdom for a man would be a garage, but unfortunately, my financial situation doesn't allow for housing containing one in the general area I live in, so the shed will have to pass for a garage for now.

Until now, the shed has been mostly filled, in an unorganized way, with all kinds of extra stuff that hasn't been really necessary in the household, yet hasn't been unnecessary enough to be thrown out either. But now, I intend to change that.

I just finished scraping off the old plastic carpet from the floor of the storage shed. Tomorrow I'll put in a new one. Then I'll assemble a cabinet that formerly resided in the bedroom for organized storage space. Whew. Storing the parts of the cabinet for a year has been troublesome, but I've stubbornly insisted on doing so, because I've a vision. Tomorrow it'll be partly fulfilled.

Then I'll add a tool wall for keeping small tools in neat order and racks for storing un-hangable tools and miscellaneous stuff. I'll add some kind of supports to the ceiling so that rarely needed stuff can be stowed away there. Some kind of worktable must be constructed. I'll attach a vice and a wheel truing stand later to that. It might be hard to incorporate a sandblasting cabinet, a circular saw, an anvil and a forge into 4 m² but I'll do what I can.

I suppose that building up a shed, or a garage, is partly similar to interior decoration. The objective is to make the space function well for its intended purpose. In a way, I assume, that now, finally, I can feel the exhilaration that women seem to feel when they get to decorate interiors. Yes, I also like having nice looking and well functioning interiors in the house.

But there's also an essential difference. Interiors of human habitations are usually designed for good functionality for one or more persons and good looks. It seems to be very important that they look good for any visitors. They must be designed for several purposes, and for the purposes of several people.

In contrast, a kingdom of a man is designed solely for functionality, and especially for a single person. The person in question can decide where things go without asking anybody, and assume that things stay there without anybody touching them. I, for one, like to arrange my stuff very precisely. I usually remember where I've left stuff. It drives me nuts if the stuff in question is not where it's supposed to be. I don't have photographic memory, but I have a some kind of a fuzzy, three dimensional version of that. My ideal workspace can be a representation of the way I store stuff in my brain. It doesn't need to be usable, or even comprehensible, to anybody else.

One of the most satisfying things for a craftsman is to complete a task without having to rummage through all of one's belongings to find the thing that one happens to need at the moment.

Another very satisfying thing is the ability to alter the working space instantaneously according to one's needs. If I have an extension cord but not a suitable place to hang it, I can create it. I can just reach out for the hammer (without having to look for it because of my nearly photographic memory), then reach out for a large nail (without having to look this time either, because the nails are in the place they're supposed to be in), and pound the nail in the wall in an appropriate place. Presto! A place to hang the extension cord in.

Also, I think that functional is beautiful. A workspace looks good when it's functional. It may look grimy and messy to the untrained eye, it might smell musty. There might be a musty smelling, half naked, sweaty guy with a beer can in one hand and a nail gun in another standing in the middle of his 4 m². Don't bother him. He's beautiful. He's doing his thing.

1 sec for idea, 15 min for execution, ∞ and counting for title

You remember the old game people used to amuse themselves before the internet was invented? You know, thinking of song titles that include the word "love" and then replacing that word with the word "crack" in order to make them funnier? Like, "The Power Of Crack" by Huey Lewis And The News, "I Want To Know What Crack Is" by Foreigner, "Greatest Crack Of All" by Whitney Houston, and, of course, "Addicted To Crack" by Robert Palmer.

Well, I do, because it changed the way I listen to hit radio, watch MTV and read music charts, forever. But now, I'd like to inflict another plague sprinkle even more amusement on mankind, namely, by inventing a variant of that old game. In it, you simply substitute the word "us" with the much funnier word "ass" in your chosen song title.

Here are some examples for your listening pleasure:

All About Us Ass - t.A.T.u

Breaking Us Ass In Two - Joe Jackson

Can't Hold Us Ass Down - Christina Aguilera

Don't Forget About Us Ass - Mariah Carey

I'm Waking Up To Us Ass - Belle and Sebastian

Love Will Keep Us Ass Together - Captain & Tennille

Love Will Tear Us Ass Apart - Joy Division

Never Tear Us Ass Apart - INXS

Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Ass Now - Starship

One Of Us Ass - Joan Osborne

Tearing Us Ass Apart - Eric Clapton

The Difference Between Us Ass - The Dead Weather

The Planets Bend Between Us Ass - Snow Patrol

They Don't Care About Us Ass - Michael Jackson

What About Us Ass - Ministry

You Love Us Ass - Manic Street Preachers

You've Made Us Ass Conscious - The Audition

Two Of Us Ass - The Beatles

Us Ass - Regina Spektor

Us Ass Against The World - Westlife

Us Ass And Them - Pink Floyd

Come to think of it, you could go one step further and replace both "love" and "us" in some song titles, like "Crack Will Tear Ass Apart" by Joy Division. But no. That's vulgar.

Perfectionism vs. entropy: is reasonably good good enough?

I just finished renovating the bathroom. Well, I didn't renovate it all by myself, the workmen did most of the job, but I got to finish it by doing the ceiling. By finishing, I mean that I finished doing any work on the bathroom for the moment. I tightened the last screw, put away the tools and sat down for a while, marveling at the beauty of it.

Then again, there's still some very minor things to do, which I'll do later. Like attach the handles to the cabinet beneath the sink. So, actually, the bathroom isn't perfect yet. And even if I actually manage to attach the handles tomorrow, from experience I know that something will break relatively soon. Even if the bathroom would somehow manage to get to the state of perfection, it would not remain there for long, provided that the family is going to use it.

I am, in some sense, a perfectionist. I find it hard to stop doing things that I've started to do, until they really are finished. But then again, I've become aware of the effects of entropy. By entropy, I mean that things tend to get less organized over time, if something is not actively done to prevent that. Take, for example, the bathroom that is considered perfect just now (July 24th 2010, 21:40 CET). Suppose that I remain seated in this chair before the computer for three days, and then go upstairs and inspect the bathroom. There will be specks of tooth paste in the mirror, hairs in the drain, scratches on formerly immaculate surfaces and dust on the windowsill. And in a longer period of time, there will be more and more faults, until the bathroom will inevitably be completely renewed again in 20-30 years (at most).

In theory, I could prevent the entropy, by devoting my life to the task of keeping the bathroom perfect. I could clean it twice a day, repair any damages as soon as possible, and spend all of my free time standing guard in the bathroom in order to prevent all passing persons from doing any inadvertent or intentional major damage. This would, however, affect every other aspect of my personal life in a damaging way. I wouldn't be able to work and my social life would probably cease to exist. The rest of the apartment would become horribly disorganized. My family might complain somewhat. Therefore keeping the bathroom perfect can't be seen as a feasible solution to the whole entropy problem.

Every new thing is going to get scratched before long. Therefore I can't have perfection. I can't stand much disarray either. I'll have to settle with accepting compromises, mediocrity, fuzzy logic then. What is perfection anyway? Technology tends to improve, so a pristine bathroom built in the 80's couldn't be considered perfect according to the standards of today. Even the best circle that I could draw with the best tools available would be imperfect on the molecular level. Human science doesn't have a complete understanding of quantum physics yet. Therefore perfection as defined by humans is inevitably an approximation.

The perfect bathroom is still basically impossible because of the lack of sufficient technological sophistication. I'll just contend myself with the rustic models avalaible today. There are, however two inventions conceived by mankind that satisfy even the perfectionist:

1) Gardening. Nature achieves perfection by being naturally wild, uncontrollable and unpredictable. Therefore a garden can be perfect without being totally in order according to human standards.

2) Bicycle. The bicycle is such a good invention that it hasn't changed much in several decades. It hasn't needed to, because it was good enough already. The bicycle continues to evolve all the time, but slowly, because there isn't much to improve.

Modern

In a desperate attempt to become more trendy and even slightly popular, the most boring blog in the world is in Twitter now. Although I kind of suspect that to the youngsters, Twitter is already so 2008, and this half-hearted marketing attempt only serves to make me appear more like the fossil that I am than to... exactly what am I trying to accomplish here again? I forget.

So, in order to live up to the name of the blog, I guess I'll just tweet a "how does this thing work?", then never update again. That's boring for you. And I definitely will not update the picture either.

But then again, I'd really like to see the famous "fail whale". That means I'll have to sign on to Twitter every now and then. I suppose that they've finally gotten their site to scale by now, so, in all probability it should take several years to see it... oh, there it was.

Fight for human rights

Got a letter from Amnesty International. I've been a financial supporter ever since I got approached by a face-to-face fundraiser some years ago, to whom I was unable to say no, at the moment. They keep sending me stuff that I usually don't read, emails, a newspaper, and now, an actual paper letter, made out of violently killed trees, that I accidentally happened to read.

I'm usually not bothered too much about the mail, although I don't have the time or the interest to read it. I'm somewhat annoyed when they call me on the phone each year and kindly ask me to increment the sum that I donate monthly (calling yearly seems too often for me). I'm pretty much irritated whenever I encounter more face-to-face fundraisers on the street, because each time, I either have to explain that I already am a supporter (which is time-consuming), be rude (which is unpleasant), or act like I'm a blind and deaf person, who despite having these disadvantages walks very fast and determinedly (which is hard to do convincingly).

In general, I think it's a good thing that Amnesty exists. Those human rights sure are a nice thing to have. Fighting for them is certainly necessary. I just find myself a passivist human rights defender. I don't mind partaking financially, I just don't want to have to do anything. Also, I like to avoid any tree-hugging, activist/hippie/alternative connotations from targeting my person. Yeah, I actually am mostly greenish, leftist, vegetarianish, pacifist and gay. Oh wait, I'm not gay. Sorry. Anyway, I tend to think that things hardly ever are totally black and white. Also, I have a natural aversion to being labelled as a 'X' or 'Y' kind of a person. (Hey, why am I explaining this to all of you then?)

Anyway, to the letter I received, a plea to donate money for their campaign opposing discrimination against the Romani. Once again, got nothing against the cause. Something should be done, it's an outrage how the Romani are treated everywhere, and yadda yadda yadda. But then the letter continues (free translation):
"... We like to show our appreciation for our supporters. U2 is coming to do a show in Helsinki on behalf of Amnesty and we invite two of our supporters to do face-to-face fundraising in the U2 concert... by donating you're participating in the lottery to become a fundraiser in the concert and defend the rights of the Romani in the spirit of U2...".

I hate U2.

I hate their pompous music. I hate the smug face of Bono. I'm pretty sure that if you look up 'pretentious' in any decent dictionary, this is what you'll find on the page:


It's likely that if you look up 'smug', 'self-indulgent', or 'irritating has-been twat', you'll find the same picture there as well.

I don't want to go to a U2 concert.

I despise face-to-face fundraisers.

If I go to a concert, I definitely don't want to be harassed by face-to-face fundraisers.

I most definitely don't want, ever, to become a face-to-face fundraiser in a U2 concert.

Do these people really think that this is a lottery prize? To me, it sounds like, the, like, worst possible punishment imaginable. What's the second prize? Death penalty?

I can't put it to words exactly, but this letter somehow seems to offend my human rights. Maybe it's the begging, maybe it's the threatening with having to see U2 and having to do fundraising, maybe it's just a culmination of a long-time conflict between our views of the world.

So, Amnesty, I think it's best that we go our separate ways now. One of us seems to be severely detached from reality, and I think it's not me. We had our good times, we had our s**t times, we had our disagreements. I'll just cut off my financial support now, please don't call.

Top 4 belch inducing materials

Belching has been one of the most popular means of communication used by the human kind since the year potato. It has been used to amuse peers, to ward off small animals, to frighten the enemy, as a means of male bonding and for an untold number of other purposes as well. In order to really succeed in the human society, mastering the art of belching has been essential throughout the ages.

As an enthusiastic belcher, and, surprisingly, even to myself, a philanthropist, I'd like to offer you my opinion on favourable commodities for producing superior belches.

5) Beer. Gotcha! You thought beer would be #1, didn't you? Well, in my opinion, no. Yes, I like consuming vast quantities of beer, and belching deafeningly loudly while I do the consuming, just as all men do. (Except possibly Daniel Westling, the bloke who is about to marry the princess of Sweden. Can't imagine him belching.) But I don't think that the aftertaste is that good. Beer tastes better going down than coming up. Also, because beer bottles & cans aren't usually closed after opening them, severe flattening of the belch inducing capacity is evident after the initial gulp.

fjord) Cola. In shopping malls, I prefer established brands such as Coca-Cola, but at home I prefer unknown, cheap brands. Just because it's slightly more exciting, but usually just as tasty. Anyway, cola soft drinks are an excellent raw material for producing belches, mostly because of the sheer volume of the gas, but also because of the great refreshing feeling: imagine going to the fridge on a hot summer day and getting some ice cold cola: a loud burp, a huge emission of gases from your digestive system, a cool sensation and a caffeine rush all at once. Now that's living!

NaN) Mineral water. Mineral water has a great image: it's healthy when consumed internally and also when you sit in a tub full of it, I hear. But, in my opinion, what's even healthier than consuming mineral water is the belch. That's how you really free your body from toxic substances and harmful tensions. The fact that there's not an aftertaste to speak of is often very refreshing, e.g. when suffering from a hangover. The problem with mineral waters is the huge difference of belch induction capabilities between different brands: some are too flat, some are even too gaseous (yes, that's possible). And don't get me started on the ones with added flavour! Adding artificial flavour to the near perfect purity that is mineral water is just beyond my comprehension. Why would they do that? Why?

1) And the winner is: corn flakes, milk (of the fattening kind) and strawberry jam. You might only get one good belch per gobbled bowl, but the perfect, sweet aftertaste more than compensates for the modest volume. Also, the sound is deeper and more booming than usual, possibly because the fat in the milk lubricates the vocal folds just right (just a theory).

The most boring thing in the world

I suspect that the I've discovered the answer to the question that's been plagueing mankind for ages: what is the most boring thing in the world? It'ssss... ta-dah... the weather report!

Or then, possibly, the weather report is very interesting, but for some reason, my brain just rejects it. I have very good concentration capabilities, to the point of being autistic (sometimes, in my wife's opinion), but when the weather report comes on in TV, my brain just immediately shuts off. I see it, but it just doesn't register. If somebody asks me what they just forecasted for tomorrow, I can't tell.

I don't actually know if the weather report is the boringest thing ever. I don't begin to yawn or anything, the information just flows right through. To me it always looks exactly the same: there's always the map of the country I happen to live in, some arrows, numbers and stuff. And then there's a person explaining something. Actually, I don't just blank out during weather reports, I usually start to think about the presenter. For some reason I like to think whether they're hot or not. Even though they're a guy. And this is not U.S.A, where, I hear, they usually have some presentable, scantily clad female meteorologists. I usually follow the news on the national broadcasting channel where the meteorologists are always fully dressed, very matter-of-fact and often blokes.

And I'm not sure why you should have weather reports anyway, at least so often. I usually don't seem to find the connection between the forecast presented on the night before and the weather in the morning when I look out the window. Or, actually, how could I, if I can't comprehend what they are forecasting in real-time, much less remember it the next day?

And anyway, if the weather tomorrow is really expected to differ significantly from the weather now, it's told in the actual news, isn't it? Well, for me, it doesn't really matter so much. I'm going to take the bicycle to work in the morning anyway. Unless it's the end of the world. In that case, I'll just go back to bed.

Solution

Being the most popular blog writer in Finland (having at least 6 verified dedicated followers) and a somewhat sane person nevertheless (possessing hardly any delusions of grandeur, for example), I'm often called in, by the Finnish government, to solve severe domestic and/or international emergencies.

As is the case today with the economic situation in Greece. The prime minister of Finland (and a very dear friend of mine) lately asked me to find a solution to this severe crisis, that is actually threatening the very basis of EU, or whatever. So, here's my proposition.

First, some background.

Greek culture, philosophy, literature, music, sports and cuisine has been renowned for millenia. The mediterranean climate is very nice.

Finland has been populated by humans for several centuries, could also be more, it's hard to tell because no-one cares. The people have always lived in huts and tents without chimneys (so the smoke from the fire comes in), in arctic conditions, surviving mostly on bark and pinecones, and occasionally on small forest animals, if they're lucky. Favourite pastimes in Finland consist of drinking moonshine and battering peers with birch logs. Oh yeah, and in the recent years there's been the success story of Finnish hi-tech and Nokia.

So, it seems to me, that the Greek have had it easy, sipping wine and eating gyros by the mediterranean sea, for thousands of years, and now they're screwed. Meanwhile, we, the Finnish, have suffered miserably, but somehow we're doing ok, financially.

My proposition is simple: let's swap countries. The Greek move to Finland, the Finnish move to Greece. In addition, the Greek get to keep Nokia so they can sell it to pay for their huge national debt. This OK by you, Matti?

Man, I can't wait to get to the seaside, to lift my feet up and have some gyros and Retsina. I'm totally sick of having pinecones for breakfast, then skiing to work in the -42°C frost, while being chased by a hungry pack of wolves, each morning.

Self-actualization

I got to be alone at home today, which is a rare occasion these days. I sat on the couch, turned heavy metal music on the stereo to 11 (Viimeinen Atlantis by Stam1na), sat there for a while and thought to myself: "Wow, this is something else: I can actually hear myself think".

Of course, the first thought that I could hear was "I want some peanuts", but after getting the peanuts, I found out that there is a desire in me to practice arts and/or crafts.

I had a sudden craving to go to the backyard, pile all the snow in one place (there's lots of it, it's a record winter) and mould the pile into a sculpture of some kind. At the same time, I wanted to paint/draw/play the guitar/do some woodwork/build a shed. I experienced a spontaneous surge of creativity.

Knowing that I had just a couple of hours of time before the rest of the family got back home again, I rummaged frantically around the household, trying to find some arts and crafts equipment. I considered carving a sword for the kid out of a plank, but doing it in the yard in the snow, in an hour, seemed a bit extreme. So, I managed to find a pencil, a pencil sharpener and some paper, sat down and drew a Fiat 500 out of memory:


Endearing, isn't it.

Having let out most of the steam, I got a mirror and attempted a self-portrait. It turned out that photorealism isn't my forté. The portrait was scarier than I assume myself to appear. Or then my assumption of the scariness of my appearance is simply wrong. Yikes. Or then again, perhaps I should practice drawing more than once in a decade.

I did manage to crock up my (working) life in a series of croquis drawings, however:



But how come this sudden burst of self-expression? At work, even though I do things that other people tell me to do, I get to decide a lot about how the things are done. So, in my opinion, I get to express, or actualize, if you will, myself a lot. Also, my choice of rather bicycling to/from work instead of taking the bus is a form of self-expression of some kind.

I don't know, but I suspect that I got a spark from the music I mentioned in the beginning. Viimeinen Atlantis, by Stam1na, was released this week, 10.2.2010. Already it's been hailed as one of the best metal records of all time, the best Finnish record ever et cetera, and I fully agree. So, I just find it astonishing that a relatively unknown group coming from a small Finnish village creates this epic record that will probably do more for the benefit of eco-awareness than Greenpeace ever could (at least in Finland). At least it did that for me.

I'll do that snow sculpture tomorrow with my kid. Who knows, maybe we'll get a creative outburst and it will be the epic snow sculpture of all time.