Saturday, November 20, 2010

Die Vater-Maschine 2.0

Due to the recent emergence of a new family member, Die Vater-Maschine has been upgraded to version 2.0. No, he hasn't become a nanomorph mimetic poly-alloy assassin, that will be 2.1, but this version includes some great improvements too.

What's new and improved in Die Vater-Maschine 2.0:
  • added 60 % more infinite patience
  • reduced methane emissions 21 % (actual level of emissions may vary depending on sauerkraut, beer and bean consumption)
  • reduced addiction to alcohol 17 % (actual level of addiction may vary depending on company, time of year and level of existential angst)
  • reduced amount of hair 37.85 % to improve aerodynamic capabilities
  • reinforced back and leg skeleton to optimize functionality related to bending over and picking up things
  • enhanced dexterity and strength in order to improve capabilities related to jumping through hoops, dragging sledges filled with stones and coaxing cooked spaghetti through keyholes
  • enhanced voice emulator, which now supports four tones: normal, loving, silly and enraged
  • reduced shame-feeling capabilities: Die Vater-Maschine is now virtually unembarrassable
  • added skin greasiness for improved weather endurance
  • increased wallet thickness for better family sustainment capabilities
  • quad core processor allows simultaneous processing of instructions from four different sources: wife, child #1, child #2 and TV
  • automatic backup functionality enables functioning even while interrupted continually (provided that interruption interval > 30 seconds)
  • increased maturity lessens likelihood of mishaps with sawn-off shotgun
  • new Man-Poodle™ software sensitivity system accommodates for better consideration of the feelings of the wife.