What's new and improved in Die Vater-Maschine 2.0:
- added 60 % more infinite patience
- reduced methane emissions 21 % (actual level of emissions may vary depending on sauerkraut, beer and bean consumption)
- reduced addiction to alcohol 17 % (actual level of addiction may vary depending on company, time of year and level of existential angst)
- reduced amount of hair 37.85 % to improve aerodynamic capabilities
- reinforced back and leg skeleton to optimize functionality related to bending over and picking up things
- enhanced dexterity and strength in order to improve capabilities related to jumping through hoops, dragging sledges filled with stones and coaxing cooked spaghetti through keyholes
- enhanced voice emulator, which now supports four tones: normal, loving, silly and enraged
- reduced shame-feeling capabilities: Die Vater-Maschine is now virtually unembarrassable
- added skin greasiness for improved weather endurance
- increased wallet thickness for better family sustainment capabilities
- quad core processor allows simultaneous processing of instructions from four different sources: wife, child #1, child #2 and TV
- automatic backup functionality enables functioning even while interrupted continually (provided that interruption interval > 30 seconds)
- increased maturity lessens likelihood of mishaps with sawn-off shotgun
- new Man-Poodle™ software sensitivity system accommodates for better consideration of the feelings of the wife.
3 comments:
You have another child? Congratulations!
(I still read this blog.)
Thanks! Yeah, I got another one of those mustard-making leather covered alarm clocks.
Also, thank you for faithfully reading this blog, even though I hardly ever write anything in it anymore. I'm hoping to write more when the kids move out, or I get another idea, whichever happens first.
No problem. It's one of the few blogs I can stand to read if I haven't checked it for a few days because there is never an overload of new posts that I haven't read. In addition, the posts are well written and not riddled with the annoying spelling and grammatical errors that seem to be prevalent in younger generations (those who grew up texting and adopted a vile, abbreviated dialect of the English language). I also find your blog entertaining (which is ironic due to the title).
That is an interesting description of a baby. I have a picture of the strangest looking alarm clock in my head right now.
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