Saturday, June 19, 2010

Fight for human rights

Got a letter from Amnesty International. I've been a financial supporter ever since I got approached by a face-to-face fundraiser some years ago, to whom I was unable to say no, at the moment. They keep sending me stuff that I usually don't read, emails, a newspaper, and now, an actual paper letter, made out of violently killed trees, that I accidentally happened to read.

I'm usually not bothered too much about the mail, although I don't have the time or the interest to read it. I'm somewhat annoyed when they call me on the phone each year and kindly ask me to increment the sum that I donate monthly (calling yearly seems too often for me). I'm pretty much irritated whenever I encounter more face-to-face fundraisers on the street, because each time, I either have to explain that I already am a supporter (which is time-consuming), be rude (which is unpleasant), or act like I'm a blind and deaf person, who despite having these disadvantages walks very fast and determinedly (which is hard to do convincingly).

In general, I think it's a good thing that Amnesty exists. Those human rights sure are a nice thing to have. Fighting for them is certainly necessary. I just find myself a passivist human rights defender. I don't mind partaking financially, I just don't want to have to do anything. Also, I like to avoid any tree-hugging, activist/hippie/alternative connotations from targeting my person. Yeah, I actually am mostly greenish, leftist, vegetarianish, pacifist and gay. Oh wait, I'm not gay. Sorry. Anyway, I tend to think that things hardly ever are totally black and white. Also, I have a natural aversion to being labelled as a 'X' or 'Y' kind of a person. (Hey, why am I explaining this to all of you then?)

Anyway, to the letter I received, a plea to donate money for their campaign opposing discrimination against the Romani. Once again, got nothing against the cause. Something should be done, it's an outrage how the Romani are treated everywhere, and yadda yadda yadda. But then the letter continues (free translation):
"... We like to show our appreciation for our supporters. U2 is coming to do a show in Helsinki on behalf of Amnesty and we invite two of our supporters to do face-to-face fundraising in the U2 concert... by donating you're participating in the lottery to become a fundraiser in the concert and defend the rights of the Romani in the spirit of U2...".

I hate U2.

I hate their pompous music. I hate the smug face of Bono. I'm pretty sure that if you look up 'pretentious' in any decent dictionary, this is what you'll find on the page:


It's likely that if you look up 'smug', 'self-indulgent', or 'irritating has-been twat', you'll find the same picture there as well.

I don't want to go to a U2 concert.

I despise face-to-face fundraisers.

If I go to a concert, I definitely don't want to be harassed by face-to-face fundraisers.

I most definitely don't want, ever, to become a face-to-face fundraiser in a U2 concert.

Do these people really think that this is a lottery prize? To me, it sounds like, the, like, worst possible punishment imaginable. What's the second prize? Death penalty?

I can't put it to words exactly, but this letter somehow seems to offend my human rights. Maybe it's the begging, maybe it's the threatening with having to see U2 and having to do fundraising, maybe it's just a culmination of a long-time conflict between our views of the world.

So, Amnesty, I think it's best that we go our separate ways now. One of us seems to be severely detached from reality, and I think it's not me. We had our good times, we had our s**t times, we had our disagreements. I'll just cut off my financial support now, please don't call.

Friday, June 04, 2010

Top 4 belch inducing materials

Belching has been one of the most popular means of communication used by the human kind since the year potato. It has been used to amuse peers, to ward off small animals, to frighten the enemy, as a means of male bonding and for an untold number of other purposes as well. In order to really succeed in the human society, mastering the art of belching has been essential throughout the ages.

As an enthusiastic belcher, and, surprisingly, even to myself, a philanthropist, I'd like to offer you my opinion on favourable commodities for producing superior belches.

5) Beer. Gotcha! You thought beer would be #1, didn't you? Well, in my opinion, no. Yes, I like consuming vast quantities of beer, and belching deafeningly loudly while I do the consuming, just as all men do. (Except possibly Daniel Westling, the bloke who is about to marry the princess of Sweden. Can't imagine him belching.) But I don't think that the aftertaste is that good. Beer tastes better going down than coming up. Also, because beer bottles & cans aren't usually closed after opening them, severe flattening of the belch inducing capacity is evident after the initial gulp.

fjord) Cola. In shopping malls, I prefer established brands such as Coca-Cola, but at home I prefer unknown, cheap brands. Just because it's slightly more exciting, but usually just as tasty. Anyway, cola soft drinks are an excellent raw material for producing belches, mostly because of the sheer volume of the gas, but also because of the great refreshing feeling: imagine going to the fridge on a hot summer day and getting some ice cold cola: a loud burp, a huge emission of gases from your digestive system, a cool sensation and a caffeine rush all at once. Now that's living!

NaN) Mineral water. Mineral water has a great image: it's healthy when consumed internally and also when you sit in a tub full of it, I hear. But, in my opinion, what's even healthier than consuming mineral water is the belch. That's how you really free your body from toxic substances and harmful tensions. The fact that there's not an aftertaste to speak of is often very refreshing, e.g. when suffering from a hangover. The problem with mineral waters is the huge difference of belch induction capabilities between different brands: some are too flat, some are even too gaseous (yes, that's possible). And don't get me started on the ones with added flavour! Adding artificial flavour to the near perfect purity that is mineral water is just beyond my comprehension. Why would they do that? Why?

1) And the winner is: corn flakes, milk (of the fattening kind) and strawberry jam. You might only get one good belch per gobbled bowl, but the perfect, sweet aftertaste more than compensates for the modest volume. Also, the sound is deeper and more booming than usual, possibly because the fat in the milk lubricates the vocal folds just right (just a theory).