Saturday, May 24, 2008

Boring reads

Because my earlier attempt at art critique was so well received and hugely popular (4 comments, 3 of which weren't written by me), here's some more. Today I'll be reviewing the art of the written word and, true to the theme of this blog, concentrating especially on boring stuff.

Grocery store receipt, dated 22.5.2008, amounting to 34,55 €

This is nice, compact read, suitable length for a bus ride, for example. The format is nicely small and lightweight. When folded it fits in your shirt pocket, or you can even swallow it without too much pain, if you must, to hide your shameful shopping history. The content is maybe not quite lengthy enough to count as truly boring, but the repetition (milk carton x 3, baby food x 12) is a good attempt.

Insurance advertisement billboard

The ad, as seen through the bus window while stopped at the traffic lights and, by chance, while looking up from your grocery store receipt, is kind of too lame and conservative to really catch your eye, but you try to read it anyway. The slogan is instantly forgettable, and the small text at the bottom is too small and lengthy to be read from a bus window. Therefore this doesn't really qualify as boring, but bonus points on the lameness of the information which manages to flow through your brain without ever really registering.

Text message feedback column of local free news magazine

"Dog owners, clean up your pet's droppings, or else...", "Dog haters, stop complaining about dog s**t, or else..." and "12.5. Hotel Vantaa, moustached hunk in a woollen sweater, I miss you and can we meet again? Yours 4ever, chick with black and white hair and considerable love handles.". These and many more can be found among the gems in the free magazine found on the bus seat. None of the items contains any useful information, but sadly, they are the only part of the magazine you can be bothered to read, because you've already read the actual news in the morning from a real newspaper. Great points on the boring, but it is kind of interesting to imagine what the lives of the miserable losers bothering to write this useless crap must be like.

Microwave meal ingredient list

Rice starch, carrot (0.1 %), artificial essence, E241... Mmm... E241. The list of ingredients in the carton of your microwave meal starts as boring, although incomprehensible, but a shocking turn of events awaits at the end: can this 250 g blob of delicious sustenance really contain 310 g of pure fat?

Bus schedule

The bus schedule might not be your primary choice of quality literature to enjoy on an autumn evening in a comfy chair with a snifter of cognac, but it could happen. For example, a fire might destroy all of your personal belongings except your comfy chair, bus schedule, snifter and bottle of Courvoisier. Should that happen, I think you'd be pleasantly surprised. The information provided by the bus schedule is definitely very boring, but ever so useful. Did you know that the 734 goes to Ă…nas?

Phone book

Now this is the classic boring read. The big book of boring. Generation after generation has been put to sleep by the comforting, indigestible information provided by the phone book. How will the future humans survive, when the phone books have been made obsolete by the mobile devices and the Internet? I mean, you can always make your computer read out loud the Internet version of the phone book, but I know I'll sure miss the comforting weight and smell of the thousands of inky pages on my face while snoring away.